One of my English language teachers in college is American.
I happened to be in class when she told someone how she hates the Finnish usual habit of starting a presentation apologetically if we're not completely satisfied with what we'll be telling about. Instead of starting to dig your own hole right away, you should let the audience do judging afterwards. I kind of see what she was getting to, but I still can't avoid the said mistake. I'll begin with an apology.
I'm used to thinking that I'm a terrible writer. I study communications, so while that's not really a career wrecking prejudice, it has certainly had an effect on what I've thought I might want to do when I grow up. It's the usual thing of being extremely harsh and critical towards your own text. I like writing, I'm just not confident with presenting it to anyone else. However, I'm not going to write much longer about how this is my first attempt at blogging and how I feel about it. That is not relevant. After all this isn't really a blog for the sake of me having to have a blog. Instead I've created this because I'm in the middle of some of the most tremendous changes I've ever experienced in my life, and who knows, maybe even in my personality and how I deal with everything. A major part of it are my forthcoming move to Iceland to study some, live some and maybe even work some. That is not all though. I will also issue a thankful greeting.
Certain events a few weeks ago left me mulling over some rather fundamental things I discovered I've for too long unconsciously ignored. What I value the most in life, why I'm not usually happy with it, is this melancholy a prominent feature in me or rather something else? A cry for help or a way to cover my ears and eyes from the things I don't want to deal with?
By a rather fortunate accident I stumbled upon words which briefly, in just a couple of lines, instantly clarified all the countless thoughts I had been creating and following through during a long weekend. I don't know how similar the author's situation in life was with mine when she wrote those. Still I instantly thought that she had put down exactly what I had been trying to chase, putting my immense pile of sprawling thoughts to an order and making me see what I had been doing wrong. It was so obvious I couldn't see it. The following is a blocky free translation from her blog.
At the same time I know that if I spent another year like these in here I would fade away. I could do it
, spinning around in the same circle of dreams over and over again. The same disappointments, same hopes, same glimpses of light, same blows, same catches, varied survival strategies. I could always cope and stay alive. But in the end the autopilot and the sparing flame are nothing. There has to be happiness and rhythm and endless motion, good feeling, blazing flames, peace in mind and trust in heart. Those are after all the best features in A, and you have no idea how much I want to have that girl back.
This is what made me able to relate. For me the case isn't maybe quite the same as I never really was more impulsive and less catatonic than I am now. After reading that passage I knew I was doing something wrong. It's not like never felt moments of happiness before. I just didn't know how to hold onto them, embrace and nurture them to make them bigger and more overwhelming. Now I have a better idea. There's been a shift towards a more open, curious, spontaneous and smiling me. I don't want to be the boy who looks at his shoes when he walks the streets, closing his eyes from the good and the bad, instead of just wanting to get the smoothest possible ride to the next day. I want to be the boy who can jump headfirst into a pile of beautifully autumn colored maple leaves without thinking that what the random spectators might think. I want to rediscover the flimsy keyboard playing skills I lost sometime during the teenage years. I want to find out seizing the day truly means. I want to feel again, something, anything, positive or negative. Everything is better than the void. And I want to thank Annukka for the words which made me discover how terrible job I was doing with living. I will start by believing that the sparks will become flames, and the flames will eventually become fires.
I've since felt different. I will no longer live my own life vicariously, I refuse to be a spectator of it. This hopefully explains how I named the blog. I'm slowly but steadily drifting away from the vicarious thoughts. I also think that this blog won't focus too heavily on the city of Reykjavík. That's two things that aren't really telling anything about what I may write here, but I must liked the wordplay too much to ditch it.
A couple of years back, around when I first started concidering an exchange period, I at first thought I'd better go to a natively English speaking country. Looking back, I can't really understand where that thought came from. I'm rather good with languages (well, compared to my math skills at least) and I've never been afraid of travelling. Now I have roughly six weeks to go before embarking on what I hope will be the greatest adventure of my life. Today I couldn't be happier that I dared to apply to the country which has most fascinated me as long as I can remember. I'm even happier that I got accepted, and I also might even have some interesting travel company to go with.
Today I finally received the acceptance letter from Háskóli Íslands and the accompanying bundle of Other Stuff. That Other Stuff was surprisingly little though, consisting mostly of a map showing among all else all the locations of Esso stations in Iceland. Joy!
Today I also ran around the town like a madman from one bureaucracy to another while trying to figure out what kind of social security I'm entitled to when living abroad, how I can renew my Visa Electron before leaving, what kind of insurances do I need or do I need them at all and so forth. If some people earn their living by designing others' weddings, why can't there be professionals who took care of all the dirty paperwork for a fatigued student? Or if there is, why isn't it available for those with a small income?
Right now I feel like I can't write about Iceland much. My ideas and dreams of it are probably pretty similar to anyone elses. I know that in some occasions I'll be happy to see that those previous thoughts were rather correct, in some occasions I'll be surprised and in some I'll be disappointed. I won't be unrealistic but I still have faith that if any enviroment can help me complete this personal change that is currently in motion, it is the land of fire and ice. I'm not afraid of what I'll face but I'm afraid to stay as the queen of pop sings in that newest video of hers.
Or, "Are you ready to jump / get ready to jump / don't ever look back oh baby / yes I'm ready to jump / just take my hands / get ready to jump." It might just be because of all what I'm going through and dreaming at the moment, but that song moves me today.
And ain't I just in the middle of realizing that's exactly what matters the most in this life?
Damnit boy, stop thinking and enjoy that movement!
